Live From You Dorks - Volume One

From the Archives

As the producer of "Live From You Dorks, It's A Sadder Day's Night of Jive" and the follow-up guy to your amazing tweets, I want to thank you for providing me the grit for which I grind, then mold into masterpieces that will stand the tests of time.

"Live From You Dorks, It's A Sadder Day's Night of Jive" 
Twits & Tweets

Eddie Murphy: Funny how Twitter has turned druggies, hoes, and fakes into motivational speakers.

My Tweet: Hey Eddie, unlike you I was once a fake druggie and a hoe. Unlike you, I am a real actor, won three Oscars and a dog named Boo

Steve Martin: Ouch. I just hit my head on the floor.@SteveMartinToGo

My Tweet: What did I tell you about doing your push ups while drunk, Steve. (And I was thinking about the time I hit my head on the chandelier. Talk about being light headed)

 

Joy Behar: Charlie Sheen met w/ Fox about possible late night show. I’d like to see him on Fox News. Their new slogan: "Fair and Mentally Unbalanced.” @JoyVBehar

My Tweet:  I was thinking more as a host on the Cartoon Network. He and Loony Tunes will be in good company. (What else do you have to say, Bay Heart...er, I mean Miss Joy Behar?)

Joy Behar:  There are so many celebrities with drug problems, they're putting a Walk of Fame in front of the Betty Ford Center

My Tweet: A Walk of Fame? How about a run from shame?


Nick Cannon: Charlie Sheen may be heading back to ‘Two And A Half Men @NickCannon

My Tweet: "And then it will be called "One and A Half Men and a Troll."


Jim Norton: Didn't feel like I was very good on Chelsea Lately this time. No reason; sometimes my mediocrity just rears its ugly head. @JimNorton


My Tweet: We can't always be perfect, so don't you fret about mediocrity unless your mediocrity proves contagious. I can't afford it!

Dominic: No shirt, no shoes, no service” is a completely inappropriate sign when hanging outside a hospital. @dominicdierkes

My Tweet: I hate to see people hanging anywhere if you really want to know the truth.

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 Graham: "If I blow a dude in a train station for tickets does that mean I'm gay?" @grahamelwood

My Tweet:"No, it means you're too cheap to buy your own ticket and you need to get home to your boyfriend."

Sean: I hope no one hires me to make a commercial for used band-aids. They seem like a tough sell. @SeanClements

My Tweet: Yeah, you probably wouldn't be able to cut it!

Lisa Lampanelli: Heading back to NYC on 4 hours sleep. Be warned, fag stewardesses -- I’m more irritable than Larry King’s bowels! @LisaLampanelli

My Tweet:You better put a pillow over your head & stay clear of the cockpit. You may scare the Auto Pilot and end up in Poughkeepsie.

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Danade: Do all men reject taking medicine or do I just attract this certain type? @danadearmond

My Tweet: It's because the men you attract believe that you are the medicine. 

Kelly: FACT: The internet was invented to globalize complaining. @kellyoxford

My Tweet: That's not true, now you ruined my whole night And my hot tea is cold. And my beer hot. My head hurts. Somebody stole my hat.

Titus: 69, it's just a number!  @titusistheshit

My Tweet: 69 is not just a number; it's an activity, one that is sometimes performed poorly by those who think of it as just a number!

Will Ferrell: Some people are real. Some people are good. Some people are fake & some people are real good at being fake. @WillyFerrell

My Tweet:   I think that I am just a figment of my own imagination but at least, my imagination is greater than I ever imagined. (So, what else you got to say, Willful Pharaoh?)

 Will Ferrell:  I got 99 cookies cause a bitch ate one

My Tweet:  Well, then make it 98 cookies and then stop your bitching

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Craig Wayans: Does jerking off on a plane get you into the mile high club? @CRAIGWAYANS

My Tweet:  No! Jerking off on the plane causes turbulence. I remember so well my last flight when I just couldn't help myself!
 

Kitty: I'm against recycling because it makes me look like an alcoholic to the garbage men. @KittyPatrick

My Tweet: No it doesn't. They already know what you are by your nakedness while raking the leaves and shoveling the snow.

Jake: I'm an empathetic cat, and i want my friends to be happy, but that email pushing a Canadian Viagra site was hacker spam. Sorry! @jaketapper

My Tweet: Tell me about it. Every time I hear the word Canada now, I think of Viagra Falls. And a few hot summers too. 

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Viva Veronica: My boyfriend took a pee so long today that tourists passed by and started throwing coins in the toilet." @VivaVeronica122  

My Tweet:"Those weren't coins; those were love notes."

Brent:"He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever. Chinese Proverb" from @brentnhunter

My Tweet: And then there are those who make an "ask" of themselves and question it later.

ItAmusedMe: "Did you hear about the hunter who had a close call? He saw tracks and went to check them out. The train almost hit him." @ITamusedME

  My Tweet: "That hunter dude needs to be better trained."

PeeWee Herman "Heard there was a mural of me at Home Slice Pizza in Austin. Had to check it out for myself." from @peeweeherman

My Tweet: "I always knew you were off the wall, Pee Wee!"
 

Suicide: I think it's time for me to stop waving goodbye when I flush. @suicide_smiles

My Tweet:  Don't you dare stop waving goodbye. It is not only rude but the cause of a lot of angry shit in this world.

John: "If you're watching the news and someone uses the word "Hubby" you're not actually watching the news.  from @JohnFugelsang 

 My Tweet:: "No, you're watching "Married With Children."

Just In ---A Special News  Report:

There's been talk of collusion between Twittering Tweeters and I'm going straight to the governing body to enact a law preventing this anti-competitive tactic. This is an anti-trust issue and as a member of the Federal Reserve, the P.T.A. and a member of Mensa I'm going to line up the troops and fight for the little guy. 

And as a member of the Royal Family I'm going to be a royal pain in the arse to those who are trying to monopolize this sphere by collusion. I'll go to my alderman if I have to and I don't think you would want me to do that . . . This man has ties . .. a few of them look really good with his blue blazer. Besides that, he has muscle, lots of it. Works out with Jimmy the Big Kid in one of Chicago's most popular gyms.

Folks, I am against monopolies, well, unless I get to own Boardwalk and Park Place and get the Reading Railroad and get to have the little cannon to travel around the board with. Really, when a few Twittering Tweeters join forces and collude, thus blocking the little people out (those who are 4 foot and under) I get really upset.

I have always been an advocate of free markets and the capitalistic economic model (I once built one; I was going to build another one but my silly brother sniffed up all the model glue) but what's been going on here has really become a major concern of mine. The practices are anti-competitive and monopolistic and I will not sit idly by as the rich get richer at the poor man's expense. I'm going to exercise my options (hold on while I get my dumbbells) and correct the problem. Get the point?

Your Host Ricky J. Fico aka Luigi Ficino