Why is Everybody Breaking Up?

What the hell's going on? Although I give advice to those from every walk and run of life, I either missed a whole lot of folks or they decided not to heed my counsel. And this worries me.

 The divorce courts are going to be getting a lot of business in the near future, I'll tell you that much. Lately, I'd been hearing about a lot of breakups -  and it's really bothering me if you really want to know the truth. I'm a caring guy and to learn that all these people are breaking up with their loved ones is causing me to do headstands on a bed of nails.  Especially when it's probably over matters that could've been easily resolved. Where's the dignity? Where's the dedication? Whatever happened to "Till death do us part!"

Yesterday I was at the mall when I walked by a little old lady, who was talking to her husband on her cell phone.

She was saying, "Honey, I am going to buy that new mini skirt that I was telling you about."

A few seconds later, she started to talk louder and then she began to scream.

"We're breaking up. Did you hear me? We're breaking up!"

Jesus, I thought, just because the husband didn't like the idea of his wife wearing a mini skirt should be no reason for her to break up with him. They'd probably been married a good 49 years too.

Later, I was at the grocery store when I passed this guy talking to his wife on his cell phone.

"Honey, what do you want to have for dinner tonight? . . . . Liver? No way, not again. . . .  We're breaking up! . . .  Did you hear me? We're breaking up . . .

Jesus, divorce over liver, gimme a frickin' break!

And then I'm on my way home, when at a stoplight, this guy next to me who is a priest, is yelling in his cell phone:

"Did you hear me, Mother Superior? Did you hear me . . . We're breaking up!"

Jesus, nothing is sacred anymore.

Oh wait, there's a news bulletin: "The last few days, there's been UFOs circling the earth, causing interference between satellites and  electronic devices throughout the world."

Well, that's nice but still, I think that the increase in the break-ups between the earth's inhabitants is more worthy of a breaking news report than UFOs circling the earth.  I just hope that news reporter person is not thinking about breaking up with her husband.

By Rick J. Fico aka Dan (The Man) Landers

Singled Out

I walked into a bar the other day and say,  "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer, well, make it a root beer... I forgot, I just had a root canal. "

The bartender serves the root beer and says,  "That'll be four dollars." I pull out a twenty-dollar bill and hand it to the bartender.

"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."

I pull out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects my money again. "What's going on here?" I ask.

Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."

Seeing that I didn't have any singles, on my way out  I picked up one of the busty brunettes who was ogling me the entire time and we headed over to "Anita Nichol's" on the corner, in which  I gave its owner a nickel  every time I asked her name.

Ah, sometimes I wish were a banker instead of this "Walden Ponded" world-renowned advice guru who often forgets to put on his pants before heading out.

Thanks for listening,

R.J. Fico

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