As a world-renowned paleontologist and Advice Guru I am inundated with sex stories, compulsions, obsessions.... the list goes on and on... In part, because of this, I am compelled to share a few of my own thoughts on the matter. I hope that you keep an open mind. I know that I do, you slut! Just kidding.
"I'm on fricking cloud nine, man and it feels better than having sex with my Anna Nickel Smith&Wesson Blow-Up doll. It does, oh it really does. . .Nah, what the hell am I thinking? Nothing is better than that. Just kidding, I'm not that weird.
Folks, I love sex the old fashioned way! In the bedroom. With mirrors on the ceiling and a shag rug on the side. And lots of foreplay. Well enough of my sexual proclivities.
Sex is sacred, well, that's the way it's supposed to be. But all that changed when some guy with a Hoover went door-to-door exciting bored housewives with his Show-and-tell act. And then some geek with a toupee and a few hand-me-downs got the bright idea of promoting free sex at the circus. And it was all downhill from there. Now we have mini-cameras posted at every crotch in Hootersville and places beyond. Anyway, I'd like to change the subject and I know you people would hate me doing that, now wouldn't you?
Well folks, I just got back from the Pre-Democratic National Convention in Honolulu and let me tell you all, they got the best baked beans in the entire world. Oh, and a nice harbor too. I heard that a bunch of people threw buckets of tea into the harbor because they were protesting against taxis or was it Texas? Can't keep up with the politics, I got more important matters to tend to. Like getting head in the back seat of my therapist's sedan. Just kidding. Actually, I prefer my sedan.
Oh, I just landed a movie deal. With PairImount Pictures. It's about the life and times of John Holmes. I am going to play his stunt double. Can't wait!
In the news today. . . let me see . . . another Senator caught with his pants down . .. I can't stop laughing. You'd laugh too if you saw the bill he was trying to pass - a three dollar bill! And you know what they say about three dollar bills, don't you? Good, now tell me!
Ok, now that I got that off my chest, let me tell you how I really feel about sex. I wrote this not so long ago: "Sex may perpetuate the species but it is love that perpetuates the soul."
By Rick J. Fico aka Dan (The Man) Landers
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